8/21/11 - Chops

I'm sure you've all been counting, and its been about 6 days since my last blogged meal. It's not because I haven't been nourishing myself with food, but rather, I was in the middle of nowhere New Hampshire, in a cabin on a lake (hey, that's a lot of prepositions!). It was an awesome trip if you care. However, civilization, the food stores, and all restaurants were at least 25 minutes away, and you'd have to drive on a really sketchy road, the terror of which was only amplified by my father's no-regard-for-human-life driving. That being said, there weren't a ton of memorable meals from this trip. One night, we even had leftovers... for DINNER! (I still get a shudder down my spine).

So on my first night back in Bodymore, I knew I had to eat a blog-worthy supper, or my incredible fame and notoriety would fade away, much like Ben Scherr's hair! (first personal attack of the blog).

Now I'm aware it's Sunday, and on your complimentary ThisIsWhatJeffEats calendars it says it's Italian night, but Mr. Italy himself (my stepdad) decided to jet-set across the country and have a little chill-sesh in Cali. So it was up to mother bear to cook. I suggested porkchops:

1) I'm actually gonna start with one of the sides, the tomatoes. I need to get this off my chest. These assholes had the nerve to require 1.5 hours of cooking until they were ready to be consumed. I did not know this when I agreed to allow my mom the pleasure of slaving over them. I'm a hungry fellow, and I require a healthy diet of food when I want it. These tomatoes threw off the whole system. As a side dish, they should know their place. What kind of world do we live in where side dishes dictate the time meals are served? This rebellion must be quelled, and though the tomatoes were tasty, I have to make an example out of them. And don't call them martyrs either. 1/10 Jeffs. 

2) Moving on, my mom must have heeded my advice about getting a second job, because she was able to scrape together enough money to splurge on the bone-in chops. These things were enormous. She kept going on and on about how she learned a new grilling technique, which is why they turned out perfectly. But I payed little attention to what she was saying, because up until then I just assumed women had chips in their brain that told them how to cook. She paired the pork with a mushroom sauce that was divine. These huge, tasty chops easily deserve 8.5/10 Jeffs. And there's leftovers!

3) I'm only mentioning the cous-cous because it's a side that isn't potatoes or broccoli. And I'll be damned if I don't take advantage and say, as the old adage goes, it's the food so nice they named it twice. You pour water in a pot and boil... pretty easy stuff. I put that mushroom joint on this too, which resulted in an admirable 8/10 Jeffs.

After dinner we went through my mom's liquor cabinet and sampled some Grand Marnier and Disaronno. Good dinner.

8/15/11 - Fall in August

I'm in New Hampshire in this sweet cabin on a lake. My dad won an auction and we'll be here for the next week. Here's the view from the pier:

It's actually really sweet. There's noone else around (except maybe axe murderers) and it's pretty darn peaceful. It's a lot colder up here though. As I write this, it's 66 degrees and 82 back in Baltimore. Apparently, the further you are away from the equator, the colder the temperature. Learn something new every day! It was so cool (temperature) yesterday that we had a fire going the entire day, in the middle of August. My mind tricked itself into thinking it was like October or some shit. So when my dad asked what I wanted for dinner, I thought of something Autumn-ish and said "a big ass ham steak."

1) Here's my first helping. And here's my first photo with my finger in the way! The ham was definitely and upgrade from bologna (Ha!). It was glazed with a mustard/honey sauce. It felt like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Cooked prefectly, without the aid of a grill since it was rainin. 8.5/10 Jeffs.

2) Damn I eat a lot of fuckin broccoli and potatoes don't I. Even I'm getting sick of looking at pictures of them. Surprisingly, these sides were not very good at all. Broccoli was as plain as could be, and there was no brown sugar for the tater. 4/10 Jeffs for both. BOOOOOO! HISSSSS!!

8/12/11 - MD BBQ Bash

For a few years, we've been hittin up this BBQ festival thing in Belair. It seems to get smaller every year, but it's usually worth going regardless. The featured stands have all won various awards for their BBQ skillz. Plus, people in that neck of the woods are fat/trashy and make good subjects for people watching.

My usual thang to do is go around and stick to ribs. Most stands offer this 3-rib sampler, so you can get an idea of what they're working with. After all is said and done, I'll get a half rack from the stand with the best ribs.

This year was a little disappointing in terms of talent. Most of the ribs were good, but not BBQ festival good. One stand's sauce even tasted like ketchup. I was embarrassed for those people. The winner was easy to distinguish, and actually had amazing ribs, not just by comparison either.

They were the only ones with perfectly cooked meat, and also the only ones with incredible sauce. For the life of me I can't remember the company's name. But you can rest assured that once I figure it out, I will present them with their banner that reads "9.5/10 Jeffs. Best Rib Winners 2011" so that they may proudly display it on their stand for future BBQ competitions.

8/11/11 - Force fed salmon

My mom is crazy. Not I'm-gonna-kill-you-in-your-sleep crazy, but just mom crazy (though she may kill me in my sleep now for saying that). Also, I think this blog is getting to my parents' heads.

So Thursday... I WANTED to go to Cheesecake Factory, but my mom called and yelled and told me she already bought salmon. She doesn't even buy wild salmon anymore. Apparently all the Asians have over-fished and basically killed off the wild salmon population. Damn Asians! (first racist remark since the blog began) Instead, she buys farm raised. 9/10 times I probably couldn't pick out the difference in taste between the two, but I'm an elitist and it breaks my heart to eat the poor man's fish. 

1) The salmon was actually bangin, though I don't think I gave her the compliment at the time. I wanted it to suck so I could yell at her for forcing me to eat with her, but alas, it was quite tasty. It was glazed with a mixture of brown sugar, lemon, butter, and dill. Only problem was, IT DIDN'T FILL ME UP. Finally, something to criticize. I wanted more of this fine filet of fish, but apparently we're poor and could only afford a small cut. Maybe if my mom would get a second job, she could feed her children properly (aaaand now she may have, by now, crossed over to I'm-gonna-kill-you-in-your-sleep crazy). As potentially one of my last meal reviews, I give the salmon 7/10 Jeffs.

2) My sides were a potato and salad. Do I really need to describe them? Potato gets 7.5/10 Jeffs and the salad gets 9/10 Jeffs because it's colorful and fruity and summery and had feta cheese and how much more could you possibly say about a salad. But do have a look!

Chocolate-bacon drawing

As promised, to give you some sort of idea of what's going on when bacon is dipped in chocolate:

8/10/11 - Fogo de Jeff

It's restaurant week here in Baltimore. All the dank restaurants have 3-course specials for a fixed rate. I think it's like $35, which for the nicer restaurants around is a sweet ass deal for 3 courses. Best bargain on the list? Easily Fogo de chao. I can't really explain how amazing this place is, but just picture an all you can eat steak house, where juicy cuts of meat are being whored around - you don't even need to get up, they come to you! It's a tittie bar for fat people.

So you can imagine my deep sadness when we called and found out they were all booked tonight. I'm not surprised, Baltimore is very Jewish. Jews are rich and like a bargain, and this is a bargain. Normally it's like $45 bucks a head. Belieeee dat.

I was wallowing in depression and considering ending it all until my dad suggested we make our own steakhouse. Take that real Fago! (intentional spelling error). He went to the store and came back with two big ass rib eyes, one tenderloin, and a NY strip. Here was my plate:

Wow, that's just gorgeous. That's food porn. In the spirit of food porn, let's get a close up:

And to spice things up, let's get a threesome going with all three sluts cuts.

That is just sexy. All 3 cuts were coated with worcestershire sauce, ground pepper, and Kosher salt. The rib eyes were rubbed with a sweet/tangy rub, and the strip was rubbed with a more peppery rub from Texas. Every cut was cooked exactly how I like: medium rare. I see on the pictures that I had sides on my plate. Don't remember them at all. Incredible dinner, and every cut deserved 10/10 Jeffs. 

For dessert my dad grilled some peaches and added some 'nilla ice cream:

Grilled fruit is great. Ice cream is awesome. The peaches had a hint of smokiness. Pretty good, 6.5/10 Jeffs.

8/10/11 - Bacon for dessert?!

More guest cooks. My sister and her/my/everyone's friend Alex Jacobs decided to go buck wild on some bacon yesterday. It's hard to imagine the gloriousness that is bacon getting an upgrade, but these dames went all Frankenstein on it and dipped it in chocolate and brown sugar. Let that sink in for a second...

Now I can't, by any stretch of the imagination, think that they're the first to try such an experiment. In fact, a quick google search shows this is a pretty damn popular practice. But I'm a n00b in the bacon-as-a-dessert game. Here it is, atop a maple cupcake that they made (keep it in your pants):

Seriously, this mutant was fucking awesome. Some out there are going to argue that they're playing god, that this an abomination, an unholy union. Silence nay sayers! 

As any sane person out there would do, I totally neglected the cupcake and ate the bacon off the top immediately. It was salty and sweet at the time. It was totally fucking with my taste buds. Now I have a physiological/psychological problem dealing with salty versus sweet things (basically I'm crazy and need a perfect balance between the two), but this creation managed to harmonize both tastes. It's like a pig had sloppy, nasty, regret-it-in-the-morning sex with a Hershey's bar. I'm going to draw that actually and upload it later.

And thus remained the lonely cupcake. It looked sad without it's chocolatey-bacon crown on top, but I had myself a nibble. What did Jeff find inside? More bacon! Bits of salty swine were mixed into the batter. Madness!

Anyway, I easily give this dessert 9/10 Jeffs. Would have been perfect but now I feel like a heart attack is on its way.

*My sister has been all bake-happy lately, so if you have any suggestions let me know.