I am the master of mastering the MASTER CLEANSE

Wassup snitches?! I'M BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK.

I know you guys missed reading about all the good food stuffs I was shoveling down my gullet. And I appreciate all the fan letters that I'm sure you wrote but got lost in the mail. But daddy's back, and he's not goin anywhere (at least for the next ten days).

What's the significance of 10 days you ask? Well, I'm about to embark on (and crush) The Master Cleanse. If my degenerate friend Todd can attempt this thing, so can I! Basically, it's this detox system that will rid my temple (aka my body) of all the toxic shit that comes with eating. And if there's one thing (really the only thing) y'all have learned about me on this here blog, it's that I eat.

Soooo, my DAILY diet for the next 10 days will consists of the following, and only the following:

- 60 ounces of filtered water - Assuming most of you reading this aren't very intelligent, I'll tell ya that this is almost a gallon of water per day. I ain't into soda and all that jazz, so I'm pretty used to drinking a lot of this ish. In fact, most Chinese waiters hate me because I demand so many damn water refills. I can't help that the extra MSG I order makes me so thirsty! Anyway, water is boring and gay.
- 3 juices, organic lemons - These were not as expensive as I expected, which is good because I'll go through 30 of them by the time I'm done. Having fruit involved in the drink is encouraging because I once heard a rumor that fruits are good for you. Also, they make the water less of a bitch drink.
- 1/2 teaspoon of organic cayenne pepper - Wasn't sure if this was necessary, but it apparently improves blood flow. AND I WILL NOT HAVE STYMIED BLOOD FLOW! Also it gives the drink a much needed kick.
- 12 tablespoons of organic, grade B maple syrup - How many of you out there knew there was such a thing as grade B maple syrup? Stop fucking lieing.


ALRIGHTY, that just about does it. Here's a picture of what the final drink looks like (this is 2 days worth):

I imagine somewhere along this experience, I will go insane. So instead of rating each meal like I used to, and because every meal is the same damn thing, I'll be rating my DAYS in Jeffs. As in, how hungry/psychotic I feel that day.

Also, follow me @JeffJeffers for frequently updated thoughts of a delirious person. Good to be back y'all.