Breakfast..... for Dinner?!?!?!?!

First off, fuck the steelers. Notice I didn't capitalize that even though it's a name.
What a fucking game.

But I digress, fuck the steelers.

Ok, I'm done for real this time. To the food! Yesterday was all about America and raping the rapist-led steelers, but tonight's dinner was all about Mexico.

I walked into my house to bacon frying on the stove. This is always a good sign as far as I'm concerned. If someone came in and murdered my family, but left bacon frying on the stove, I'd be ok (at least until the bacon was done).

This was when my mother informed me we were having eggs huevos, or eggs jalapenos, or eggs lawnmower. I forget, but it was something Mexican inspired. Here it be:

This was actually really good. I used to despise runny eggs, but now I love runny eggs! Under the eggs were beans and peppers and a tortilla. To the right is that delicious bacon. The food was good, but it was awkward to eat. I wanted to pick it up like a taco, but the egg was too runny. I had to eat it with a fork instead. The Mexicans sure do know how to make a confusing breakfast! Also, this blog post was riddled with racism. 8/10 Jeffs.

Sorry, I'm Lazy

Ok ok, I realize I've been slacking. But honestly, I'm pretty surprised how many of you out there read this blog. I created the blog to 1) write like an idiot and 2) make you all jealous that I eat like a fucking king.

I wish I could blame my recent lack of posts on me being busy, but I don't do shit. I was just really lazy, and while updating a blog doesn't sound like a whole lot, I am an intellectual. Writing like an asshole is actually difficult for me sometimes. So if we're keeping count, I eat better than you, I'm smarter than you....

No but really, in 100% seriousness, I truly appreciate all of you out there who read this. People message me all the time telling me to update or how much they love it, people I never would have imagined. And that feels pretty cool.

And even though I haven't been updating, I've still been logging some of my better meals. So here's a quick 2 week update, wrapped in one post. Enjoy!

This is eggplant parm my stepdad made. Mother grew these big, gay, purple vegetables in her garden, and my stepdad diced them up, fried them, and covered them with cheese. Sounds fuckin tasty to me. The pasta was seriously miserable though. It was whole wheat, which is an understandably healthy choice when your main course is fried and cheesy, but this brand was disgusting. 8.5/10 Jeffs.

Steak and potatoes. What more can I say? 9/10 Jeffs.

This is my dog, Royce. He licks the air a lot. He is not food.

Swordfish steak with homemade mango salsa and fried green tomatoes. Apparently, the only way we eat vegetables anymore is if they're fried, and I'm ok with that. 8/10 Jeffs.

8/27/11 - Irene can't fuck with my ribs

This morning's Jeff forecast called for home-grilled ribs and corn. Meanwhile, the weather forecast called for the fucking end of the world. Since grilling is generally done outdoors, the success of a grill operation was called into question. There was even brief talk of oven cooking the meat, and stove cooking the corn.

Now I wasn't gonna let some bitch named Irene get in the way, and ordered my cook (dad) to continue with operation grill-my-damn-ribs. Watching him stand in the pouring rain and tend to my dinner brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face.

Here's how they turned out:

A litttttttttle burnt, but still tasty. The rub/sauce combo he used was money. The rub is from some spot in Texas and is pretty spicy, which is a great compliment to the sweetness of the sauce. Plus he mixed in a dash of his own concoction, which included more hot peppers. If I was rating the top half of each riblet, they'd have gotten close to perfect. Unfortunately, the bottom half was just too well done. I don't know how he messed up, I mean how hard could it be to grill ribs in a hurricane? Seems like a bullshit ass excuse to me. Torrential rain and violent wind gusts should have improved the ribs if anything. 8.5/10 Jeffs. That extra .5 is to make sure my dad doesn't hop off the wagon after reading this. Love ya pops!

8/24/11 - Kabaaaaabs

On Tuesday, my DCAL softball team (representing Duda's Tavern in Fells Point) took 2nd place in the league, which is actually pretty darn impressive. We played for over 5 hours, and instead of food, I feasted on the tears of all the teams that we beat (including Ropewalk for all you Fed Hill kids). But seriously, there was no time to eat, so Wednesday I was tryin to get my grub on.

As has become customary recently (perhaps out of fear of a bad review - it's like soviet Russia over here), our dinner selection was left up to me. I love seafood, I love chicken, and I damn sure love steak. Instead of choosing one of those tasty treats, I held a press conference in my kitchen and announced that we would be having all three, on sticks, with vegetables (I just described kabobs for ya'll dummies out there).

1) Representing seafood was skrimp. I don't think I''ve spelt that word correctly one time since this blog began. All the meat was covered with some tangy sauce, and it was all delicious. Most impressive were the filet mignon pieces, because they're fucking filet mignon pieces. Meats get 8.5/10 Jeffs.

2) Vegetables included squash, zucchini, onions, peppers, and eggplant. Grilled onions are amazing. The peppers were purple, and I was both intrigued and confused by this. The eggplant had a weird texture that I did not enjoy, and me not enjoying something means scores come down FOR THE GROUP. The eggplant was like the fat kid on your lax/soccer/football team who drags you down and usually makes you run more laps because he's fat and can't keep up. By the way, I played all of those sports because I'm a stud. 6.5/10 Jeffs.

8/21/11 - Chops

I'm sure you've all been counting, and its been about 6 days since my last blogged meal. It's not because I haven't been nourishing myself with food, but rather, I was in the middle of nowhere New Hampshire, in a cabin on a lake (hey, that's a lot of prepositions!). It was an awesome trip if you care. However, civilization, the food stores, and all restaurants were at least 25 minutes away, and you'd have to drive on a really sketchy road, the terror of which was only amplified by my father's no-regard-for-human-life driving. That being said, there weren't a ton of memorable meals from this trip. One night, we even had leftovers... for DINNER! (I still get a shudder down my spine).

So on my first night back in Bodymore, I knew I had to eat a blog-worthy supper, or my incredible fame and notoriety would fade away, much like Ben Scherr's hair! (first personal attack of the blog).

Now I'm aware it's Sunday, and on your complimentary ThisIsWhatJeffEats calendars it says it's Italian night, but Mr. Italy himself (my stepdad) decided to jet-set across the country and have a little chill-sesh in Cali. So it was up to mother bear to cook. I suggested porkchops:

1) I'm actually gonna start with one of the sides, the tomatoes. I need to get this off my chest. These assholes had the nerve to require 1.5 hours of cooking until they were ready to be consumed. I did not know this when I agreed to allow my mom the pleasure of slaving over them. I'm a hungry fellow, and I require a healthy diet of food when I want it. These tomatoes threw off the whole system. As a side dish, they should know their place. What kind of world do we live in where side dishes dictate the time meals are served? This rebellion must be quelled, and though the tomatoes were tasty, I have to make an example out of them. And don't call them martyrs either. 1/10 Jeffs. 

2) Moving on, my mom must have heeded my advice about getting a second job, because she was able to scrape together enough money to splurge on the bone-in chops. These things were enormous. She kept going on and on about how she learned a new grilling technique, which is why they turned out perfectly. But I payed little attention to what she was saying, because up until then I just assumed women had chips in their brain that told them how to cook. She paired the pork with a mushroom sauce that was divine. These huge, tasty chops easily deserve 8.5/10 Jeffs. And there's leftovers!

3) I'm only mentioning the cous-cous because it's a side that isn't potatoes or broccoli. And I'll be damned if I don't take advantage and say, as the old adage goes, it's the food so nice they named it twice. You pour water in a pot and boil... pretty easy stuff. I put that mushroom joint on this too, which resulted in an admirable 8/10 Jeffs.

After dinner we went through my mom's liquor cabinet and sampled some Grand Marnier and Disaronno. Good dinner.

8/15/11 - Fall in August

I'm in New Hampshire in this sweet cabin on a lake. My dad won an auction and we'll be here for the next week. Here's the view from the pier:

It's actually really sweet. There's noone else around (except maybe axe murderers) and it's pretty darn peaceful. It's a lot colder up here though. As I write this, it's 66 degrees and 82 back in Baltimore. Apparently, the further you are away from the equator, the colder the temperature. Learn something new every day! It was so cool (temperature) yesterday that we had a fire going the entire day, in the middle of August. My mind tricked itself into thinking it was like October or some shit. So when my dad asked what I wanted for dinner, I thought of something Autumn-ish and said "a big ass ham steak."

1) Here's my first helping. And here's my first photo with my finger in the way! The ham was definitely and upgrade from bologna (Ha!). It was glazed with a mustard/honey sauce. It felt like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Cooked prefectly, without the aid of a grill since it was rainin. 8.5/10 Jeffs.

2) Damn I eat a lot of fuckin broccoli and potatoes don't I. Even I'm getting sick of looking at pictures of them. Surprisingly, these sides were not very good at all. Broccoli was as plain as could be, and there was no brown sugar for the tater. 4/10 Jeffs for both. BOOOOOO! HISSSSS!!

8/12/11 - MD BBQ Bash

For a few years, we've been hittin up this BBQ festival thing in Belair. It seems to get smaller every year, but it's usually worth going regardless. The featured stands have all won various awards for their BBQ skillz. Plus, people in that neck of the woods are fat/trashy and make good subjects for people watching.

My usual thang to do is go around and stick to ribs. Most stands offer this 3-rib sampler, so you can get an idea of what they're working with. After all is said and done, I'll get a half rack from the stand with the best ribs.

This year was a little disappointing in terms of talent. Most of the ribs were good, but not BBQ festival good. One stand's sauce even tasted like ketchup. I was embarrassed for those people. The winner was easy to distinguish, and actually had amazing ribs, not just by comparison either.

They were the only ones with perfectly cooked meat, and also the only ones with incredible sauce. For the life of me I can't remember the company's name. But you can rest assured that once I figure it out, I will present them with their banner that reads "9.5/10 Jeffs. Best Rib Winners 2011" so that they may proudly display it on their stand for future BBQ competitions.

8/11/11 - Force fed salmon

My mom is crazy. Not I'm-gonna-kill-you-in-your-sleep crazy, but just mom crazy (though she may kill me in my sleep now for saying that). Also, I think this blog is getting to my parents' heads.

So Thursday... I WANTED to go to Cheesecake Factory, but my mom called and yelled and told me she already bought salmon. She doesn't even buy wild salmon anymore. Apparently all the Asians have over-fished and basically killed off the wild salmon population. Damn Asians! (first racist remark since the blog began) Instead, she buys farm raised. 9/10 times I probably couldn't pick out the difference in taste between the two, but I'm an elitist and it breaks my heart to eat the poor man's fish. 

1) The salmon was actually bangin, though I don't think I gave her the compliment at the time. I wanted it to suck so I could yell at her for forcing me to eat with her, but alas, it was quite tasty. It was glazed with a mixture of brown sugar, lemon, butter, and dill. Only problem was, IT DIDN'T FILL ME UP. Finally, something to criticize. I wanted more of this fine filet of fish, but apparently we're poor and could only afford a small cut. Maybe if my mom would get a second job, she could feed her children properly (aaaand now she may have, by now, crossed over to I'm-gonna-kill-you-in-your-sleep crazy). As potentially one of my last meal reviews, I give the salmon 7/10 Jeffs.

2) My sides were a potato and salad. Do I really need to describe them? Potato gets 7.5/10 Jeffs and the salad gets 9/10 Jeffs because it's colorful and fruity and summery and had feta cheese and how much more could you possibly say about a salad. But do have a look!

Chocolate-bacon drawing

As promised, to give you some sort of idea of what's going on when bacon is dipped in chocolate:

8/10/11 - Fogo de Jeff

It's restaurant week here in Baltimore. All the dank restaurants have 3-course specials for a fixed rate. I think it's like $35, which for the nicer restaurants around is a sweet ass deal for 3 courses. Best bargain on the list? Easily Fogo de chao. I can't really explain how amazing this place is, but just picture an all you can eat steak house, where juicy cuts of meat are being whored around - you don't even need to get up, they come to you! It's a tittie bar for fat people.

So you can imagine my deep sadness when we called and found out they were all booked tonight. I'm not surprised, Baltimore is very Jewish. Jews are rich and like a bargain, and this is a bargain. Normally it's like $45 bucks a head. Belieeee dat.

I was wallowing in depression and considering ending it all until my dad suggested we make our own steakhouse. Take that real Fago! (intentional spelling error). He went to the store and came back with two big ass rib eyes, one tenderloin, and a NY strip. Here was my plate:

Wow, that's just gorgeous. That's food porn. In the spirit of food porn, let's get a close up:

And to spice things up, let's get a threesome going with all three sluts cuts.

That is just sexy. All 3 cuts were coated with worcestershire sauce, ground pepper, and Kosher salt. The rib eyes were rubbed with a sweet/tangy rub, and the strip was rubbed with a more peppery rub from Texas. Every cut was cooked exactly how I like: medium rare. I see on the pictures that I had sides on my plate. Don't remember them at all. Incredible dinner, and every cut deserved 10/10 Jeffs. 

For dessert my dad grilled some peaches and added some 'nilla ice cream:

Grilled fruit is great. Ice cream is awesome. The peaches had a hint of smokiness. Pretty good, 6.5/10 Jeffs.

8/10/11 - Bacon for dessert?!

More guest cooks. My sister and her/my/everyone's friend Alex Jacobs decided to go buck wild on some bacon yesterday. It's hard to imagine the gloriousness that is bacon getting an upgrade, but these dames went all Frankenstein on it and dipped it in chocolate and brown sugar. Let that sink in for a second...

Now I can't, by any stretch of the imagination, think that they're the first to try such an experiment. In fact, a quick google search shows this is a pretty damn popular practice. But I'm a n00b in the bacon-as-a-dessert game. Here it is, atop a maple cupcake that they made (keep it in your pants):

Seriously, this mutant was fucking awesome. Some out there are going to argue that they're playing god, that this an abomination, an unholy union. Silence nay sayers! 

As any sane person out there would do, I totally neglected the cupcake and ate the bacon off the top immediately. It was salty and sweet at the time. It was totally fucking with my taste buds. Now I have a physiological/psychological problem dealing with salty versus sweet things (basically I'm crazy and need a perfect balance between the two), but this creation managed to harmonize both tastes. It's like a pig had sloppy, nasty, regret-it-in-the-morning sex with a Hershey's bar. I'm going to draw that actually and upload it later.

And thus remained the lonely cupcake. It looked sad without it's chocolatey-bacon crown on top, but I had myself a nibble. What did Jeff find inside? More bacon! Bits of salty swine were mixed into the batter. Madness!

Anyway, I easily give this dessert 9/10 Jeffs. Would have been perfect but now I feel like a heart attack is on its way.

*My sister has been all bake-happy lately, so if you have any suggestions let me know.

8/10/11 - The dinner that was lunch

On Tuesdays I play in a softball league for Dudas Tavern in Fells Point. This shouldn't surprise anyone because I'm an incredible athlete. We just get drunk and play a game best described as America's sport's gay brother.

What this means is I miss out on Tuesday dinners with my pops. And I'm fairly certain he intentionally cooks good meals when I'm not around just to spite me. Like last night for instance, the guy made scallops and clams. Mind you, he just came back from the beach, so these crustaceans were fresher than these shoes (don't copy my kicks):

So while I did enjoy a post-game meal at Pei Wei, I didn't get to partake in seafood fest 2011 until today, for lunch. 

1) What's there really to say about steamed clams? They're pretty basic. It ain't like you gotta marinate them or season them. You just steam them and throw out any stubborn assholes that didn't open up. Chewy and salty. I'm not so sure I'm even rating my dad's steaming ability so much as I am rating Mother Earth for making clams? To avoid a lightning strike or a tree falling on my house, I'm gonna give them a perfect score of 10/10 Jeffs. Love your Mother.

2) Scallops is trickier because you actually gotta cook them, or maybe lube them up with sauce. These were cooked perfectly. If you recall when I was introducing "the stars" of this blog, I included scallops as one of my dad's specialties. Well the guy didn't disappoint. There's some sauce on them but I didn't even ask what it was. I ate them all within a minute. That's what happens when you wake up at 2. You're starving and pretty much shove anything in sight down your gullet. 8.5/10 Jeffs.

8/8/11 - Oh look, Kerry decided to cook

Nothing warms these ole blue eyes like the sight of a woman in the kitchen. Tonight, my moms was eager to make a chicken dish that she admittedly stole from a friend. I hear that shit tastes like chicken, so I was game to try it out. Hurr it is:

1. Ok so the chicken was stuffed. Stuffed with what? Raisins? Glass? A smaller piece of chicken? No you stupid retard, with mozzarella cheese and pesto. And if that didn't get your nether regions frothy, take a gander at what's wrapped around the chicken. It's prosciutto! So meat, wrapped around meat, stuffed with cheese. Shawtay looked good enough to eat. Meat2 (aka chicken) was just sliiiightly over cooked for me, but it was delicious and if my stepdad doesn't eat the last one tonight I'mma holler at it tomorrow for lunch. 8/10 Jeffs, only because of tenderness issues.

2. I wish the sides served were also wrapped in meat, but not every little boy's dreams come true. As a green we had asparagus and broccolini. I think broccolini is a snobby asshole vegetable. It's essentially broccoli but bigger. I look down on broccoli now for not having leaves as big or stems as long. Anyway, they were both sauteed in garlic, which would make rocks delicious. 7.5/10 Jeffs.

3. It just took me 3 minutes to even look up how to spell this mothafugga. Quinoa as they say. Quinoa is cous-cous's hipster cousin. I don't know how to describe it, but there were home roasted pine nuts in the joint. Yo had 2 scoops! 8.5/10 Jeffs.

8/7/11 - Faggedaboudit...Italian night

So your mans just got back from the dirty Jerzzz, and more specifically, he was at the shore. Did you know there's Italians at the Jersey shore? Neither did I!

To keep the Italian theme going, my stepdad whipped up a number I like to call "pasta with sauce and vegetables in the sauce with bread on the side." Rolls off the tongue - just like Italian!

Here we have a plate picture. As unrealistic as this sounds, I actually forgot about this really important and informative blog that everyone loves (right?!) and didn't get a picture until the end when only a few scraps remained. But you get the idea:

Screwwy shaped pasta with spicy, homemade red sauce. Crushed cayenne pepper all up in the biznitch. Yo was sweatin the whole damn time. What else was in it? Mushrooms and eggplant, that's what. Pretty basic Italian meal, but not everyone gets this stuff homemade by an authentic Italian (even if he doesnt have a blow-out).

**Editorial note: there's been debate over my rating system. Some think I should stick to whole numbers, some think I should expand my system to out-of-ten, some even think I should stop writing about my meals (as if!). I think I'll compromise and essentially do the first two (but I'll use half numbers too), cause if ya'll are even reading this dumbass blog, I should be grateful and considerate of opinions. 

That being said, I'll give this dish a 7/10 Jeffs. It would have been an 8 but I sweated too much.

8/1/11 - My mom is lazy; first restaurant dinner

My mom decided she was gonna be lazy tonight. What does that mean for ole Jeff? Will he go hungry? Will he have to scour the neighbor's trashcan in hopes of finding a wee morsel?

Naw yo, it means we goin to the Corner Stable.

You see, on Mondays the Corner Stable has a rib special. Full rack and fries for $13.99. That's pretty damn good as far as full racks are concerned. And I love racks, especially full ones.

Now it's no secret I've put on a little weight. I probably shouldn't even get the rib special right? If you said yes, go fuck yaself. Those ribs are money. So instead of skipping the ribs altogether, I figured I'd just eat a salad ALSO, because eating even more food is ok when that food is green right?

Too bad the salad was a disappointment. I've found that few places can really master the caesar salad (the Bonefishes/Outbacks of the world). This salad barely had any dressing on it. I felt like a rabbit the whole time I was eating it. The one upside to it was the ton of shredded parm on top.

And thus, the ribs were served.

1. Have you had Corner Stables ribs? They're fan-fuggin-tastic. I should get an endorsement deal. Not only do the bones literally slide off like butter with no effort at all, the sauce is sweet and tangy and maybe the kind of thing two lovers would lick off of each other. There are all different possibilities of taste as far as ribs are concerned, but if you're looking for tender and sweet, these are the cat's meow. 4.8/5 Jeffs.
2. The fries. These are sort of complicated because on their own, I find them underseasoned. But they sit at the bottom and get all saturated in that sexy sauce and by golly they're incredible. Let's assume you dip your fries in the puddle of sauce they give you and give these a 4.5/5 Jeffs.

Tomorrow I have my downtown softball league. It's island night so there's gonna be a ton of good food and a ton of ugly Hawaiian shirts. We'll see if I remember to take some pics. Reporting live!

7/31/11 - Yo ate some lamb

So what inspired me to start this blog you wonder? WELL THEN READ THE DAMN POST BEFORE THIS. Also, I got an iPhone (I know, I know, Mr. Cool over here). This means photographing my food is pretty easy and accessible. Alsoooooooo, my dad was making lamb tonight, and I knew it wouldn't be half baaaaaad (see what I did there?). Let us cover my first blogged meal:

About a month ago, my dad got this really boss grill, seen here:

This 6-burner beauty is pretty badass. My dad grills all the damn time now.

Here's how tonight's meal turned out:

Let us analyze my plate here.

1. We've got our tasty lamb, coming from the leg region. I'm a sucker for lamb. This was seasoned with rosemary and garlic. It was delicious but a little more well done than I would have liked. My dad made some excuse about something, but I wasn't listening because excuses are the bricks in the wall of failure. Not that this was in any means a failure. In fact, I give it a score of 4.3/5 Jeffs (Jeffs are the equivalent of stars)

2. Skrimp. Grilled skrimp. This was the alternative meat for the non-lamb eaters at the table, but you KNOW I was gettin some skrimp on my plate. Honestly, I didn't pay much attention to those mo-fos. But I think they were good, maybe a tad chewy. My dad is gonna hate this blog. For shits and giggles I'll give them a 3.9/5 Jeffs.

3. Grilled Potato. This was great. Lots of seasoning, with butter and sour cream provided. Skin was crispy. I had another half after I was through with this. 4.7/5 Jeffs.

4. Grilled Brussle sprouts. These things are fucking awful. Brussel sprouts come from Satan's grundle. I've always hated this fuckers but someone said "Try them grilled, you'll like them!" So I did, and they still sucked. I ate one and threw the rest back. -20/5 Jeffs. Burn in Hell.

5. Grilled asparagus. Notice a pattern? Everything's grilled! I used to hate these too, but I've seen the light. These were sweet and almost buttery. Could have been crispier. 4.2/5 Jeffs.

Well, there you have it. Overall, very good meal. Some things could have been cooked more, some could have been cooked less. Hopefully my dad doesn't kill me in my sleep. See you all for my next meal! (which by my calculations, should be in about an hour)

Meet the stars

Welcome to my new blog. It's about food. What kind of food? All kinds of food. I ain't no food racist.

First, let me introduce the stars of my blog. Now I'm not exactly wifed up, meaning there isn't a woman waiting on me hand and foot. Therefore, my meals are left in the all-too-capable hands of my roommates (AKA my parents).

This fine filly is my momma, Kerry. She has no formal training in food prep, but she gets the job done. 

Specialties: Crab cakes, chili, pulled pork, pork tenderloin, kabobs.

This burly man is my pops, Brian. He is trained in the culinary arts. He has worked in the restaurant/food industry as long as I can remember (except for that one stint as a janitor [just playin']). 

Specialties: steaks, lamb, grilled vegetables, oysters, shrimp, etc....

This bronzed fellow is my stepdad, Anthony. His kitchen skills were passed biologically in his Italian blood. So was his tan.

Specialties: anything Italian; meatballs, ziti, vodka sauce, chicken marsala, etc....

That does it for the stars of the show, though every once and a while we may get a special guest. I'll try to post as often as I can, but with my roughly 9 meals a day, keeping up with everything could get hard. OK, Onward!