I am the master of mastering the MASTER CLEANSE

Wassup snitches?! I'M BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK.

I know you guys missed reading about all the good food stuffs I was shoveling down my gullet. And I appreciate all the fan letters that I'm sure you wrote but got lost in the mail. But daddy's back, and he's not goin anywhere (at least for the next ten days).

What's the significance of 10 days you ask? Well, I'm about to embark on (and crush) The Master Cleanse. If my degenerate friend Todd can attempt this thing, so can I! Basically, it's this detox system that will rid my temple (aka my body) of all the toxic shit that comes with eating. And if there's one thing (really the only thing) y'all have learned about me on this here blog, it's that I eat.

Soooo, my DAILY diet for the next 10 days will consists of the following, and only the following:

- 60 ounces of filtered water - Assuming most of you reading this aren't very intelligent, I'll tell ya that this is almost a gallon of water per day. I ain't into soda and all that jazz, so I'm pretty used to drinking a lot of this ish. In fact, most Chinese waiters hate me because I demand so many damn water refills. I can't help that the extra MSG I order makes me so thirsty! Anyway, water is boring and gay.
- 3 juices, organic lemons - These were not as expensive as I expected, which is good because I'll go through 30 of them by the time I'm done. Having fruit involved in the drink is encouraging because I once heard a rumor that fruits are good for you. Also, they make the water less of a bitch drink.
- 1/2 teaspoon of organic cayenne pepper - Wasn't sure if this was necessary, but it apparently improves blood flow. AND I WILL NOT HAVE STYMIED BLOOD FLOW! Also it gives the drink a much needed kick.
- 12 tablespoons of organic, grade B maple syrup - How many of you out there knew there was such a thing as grade B maple syrup? Stop fucking lieing.


ALRIGHTY, that just about does it. Here's a picture of what the final drink looks like (this is 2 days worth):

I imagine somewhere along this experience, I will go insane. So instead of rating each meal like I used to, and because every meal is the same damn thing, I'll be rating my DAYS in Jeffs. As in, how hungry/psychotic I feel that day.

Also, follow me @JeffJeffers for frequently updated thoughts of a delirious person. Good to be back y'all.

Breakfast..... for Dinner?!?!?!?!

First off, fuck the steelers. Notice I didn't capitalize that even though it's a name.
What a fucking game.

But I digress, fuck the steelers.

Ok, I'm done for real this time. To the food! Yesterday was all about America and raping the rapist-led steelers, but tonight's dinner was all about Mexico.

I walked into my house to bacon frying on the stove. This is always a good sign as far as I'm concerned. If someone came in and murdered my family, but left bacon frying on the stove, I'd be ok (at least until the bacon was done).

This was when my mother informed me we were having eggs huevos, or eggs jalapenos, or eggs lawnmower. I forget, but it was something Mexican inspired. Here it be:

This was actually really good. I used to despise runny eggs, but now I love runny eggs! Under the eggs were beans and peppers and a tortilla. To the right is that delicious bacon. The food was good, but it was awkward to eat. I wanted to pick it up like a taco, but the egg was too runny. I had to eat it with a fork instead. The Mexicans sure do know how to make a confusing breakfast! Also, this blog post was riddled with racism. 8/10 Jeffs.

Sorry, I'm Lazy

Ok ok, I realize I've been slacking. But honestly, I'm pretty surprised how many of you out there read this blog. I created the blog to 1) write like an idiot and 2) make you all jealous that I eat like a fucking king.

I wish I could blame my recent lack of posts on me being busy, but I don't do shit. I was just really lazy, and while updating a blog doesn't sound like a whole lot, I am an intellectual. Writing like an asshole is actually difficult for me sometimes. So if we're keeping count, I eat better than you, I'm smarter than you....

No but really, in 100% seriousness, I truly appreciate all of you out there who read this. People message me all the time telling me to update or how much they love it, people I never would have imagined. And that feels pretty cool.

And even though I haven't been updating, I've still been logging some of my better meals. So here's a quick 2 week update, wrapped in one post. Enjoy!

This is eggplant parm my stepdad made. Mother grew these big, gay, purple vegetables in her garden, and my stepdad diced them up, fried them, and covered them with cheese. Sounds fuckin tasty to me. The pasta was seriously miserable though. It was whole wheat, which is an understandably healthy choice when your main course is fried and cheesy, but this brand was disgusting. 8.5/10 Jeffs.

Steak and potatoes. What more can I say? 9/10 Jeffs.

This is my dog, Royce. He licks the air a lot. He is not food.

Swordfish steak with homemade mango salsa and fried green tomatoes. Apparently, the only way we eat vegetables anymore is if they're fried, and I'm ok with that. 8/10 Jeffs.

8/27/11 - Irene can't fuck with my ribs

This morning's Jeff forecast called for home-grilled ribs and corn. Meanwhile, the weather forecast called for the fucking end of the world. Since grilling is generally done outdoors, the success of a grill operation was called into question. There was even brief talk of oven cooking the meat, and stove cooking the corn.

Now I wasn't gonna let some bitch named Irene get in the way, and ordered my cook (dad) to continue with operation grill-my-damn-ribs. Watching him stand in the pouring rain and tend to my dinner brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face.

Here's how they turned out:

A litttttttttle burnt, but still tasty. The rub/sauce combo he used was money. The rub is from some spot in Texas and is pretty spicy, which is a great compliment to the sweetness of the sauce. Plus he mixed in a dash of his own concoction, which included more hot peppers. If I was rating the top half of each riblet, they'd have gotten close to perfect. Unfortunately, the bottom half was just too well done. I don't know how he messed up, I mean how hard could it be to grill ribs in a hurricane? Seems like a bullshit ass excuse to me. Torrential rain and violent wind gusts should have improved the ribs if anything. 8.5/10 Jeffs. That extra .5 is to make sure my dad doesn't hop off the wagon after reading this. Love ya pops!

8/24/11 - Kabaaaaabs

On Tuesday, my DCAL softball team (representing Duda's Tavern in Fells Point) took 2nd place in the league, which is actually pretty darn impressive. We played for over 5 hours, and instead of food, I feasted on the tears of all the teams that we beat (including Ropewalk for all you Fed Hill kids). But seriously, there was no time to eat, so Wednesday I was tryin to get my grub on.

As has become customary recently (perhaps out of fear of a bad review - it's like soviet Russia over here), our dinner selection was left up to me. I love seafood, I love chicken, and I damn sure love steak. Instead of choosing one of those tasty treats, I held a press conference in my kitchen and announced that we would be having all three, on sticks, with vegetables (I just described kabobs for ya'll dummies out there).

1) Representing seafood was skrimp. I don't think I''ve spelt that word correctly one time since this blog began. All the meat was covered with some tangy sauce, and it was all delicious. Most impressive were the filet mignon pieces, because they're fucking filet mignon pieces. Meats get 8.5/10 Jeffs.

2) Vegetables included squash, zucchini, onions, peppers, and eggplant. Grilled onions are amazing. The peppers were purple, and I was both intrigued and confused by this. The eggplant had a weird texture that I did not enjoy, and me not enjoying something means scores come down FOR THE GROUP. The eggplant was like the fat kid on your lax/soccer/football team who drags you down and usually makes you run more laps because he's fat and can't keep up. By the way, I played all of those sports because I'm a stud. 6.5/10 Jeffs.

8/21/11 - Chops

I'm sure you've all been counting, and its been about 6 days since my last blogged meal. It's not because I haven't been nourishing myself with food, but rather, I was in the middle of nowhere New Hampshire, in a cabin on a lake (hey, that's a lot of prepositions!). It was an awesome trip if you care. However, civilization, the food stores, and all restaurants were at least 25 minutes away, and you'd have to drive on a really sketchy road, the terror of which was only amplified by my father's no-regard-for-human-life driving. That being said, there weren't a ton of memorable meals from this trip. One night, we even had leftovers... for DINNER! (I still get a shudder down my spine).

So on my first night back in Bodymore, I knew I had to eat a blog-worthy supper, or my incredible fame and notoriety would fade away, much like Ben Scherr's hair! (first personal attack of the blog).

Now I'm aware it's Sunday, and on your complimentary ThisIsWhatJeffEats calendars it says it's Italian night, but Mr. Italy himself (my stepdad) decided to jet-set across the country and have a little chill-sesh in Cali. So it was up to mother bear to cook. I suggested porkchops:

1) I'm actually gonna start with one of the sides, the tomatoes. I need to get this off my chest. These assholes had the nerve to require 1.5 hours of cooking until they were ready to be consumed. I did not know this when I agreed to allow my mom the pleasure of slaving over them. I'm a hungry fellow, and I require a healthy diet of food when I want it. These tomatoes threw off the whole system. As a side dish, they should know their place. What kind of world do we live in where side dishes dictate the time meals are served? This rebellion must be quelled, and though the tomatoes were tasty, I have to make an example out of them. And don't call them martyrs either. 1/10 Jeffs. 

2) Moving on, my mom must have heeded my advice about getting a second job, because she was able to scrape together enough money to splurge on the bone-in chops. These things were enormous. She kept going on and on about how she learned a new grilling technique, which is why they turned out perfectly. But I payed little attention to what she was saying, because up until then I just assumed women had chips in their brain that told them how to cook. She paired the pork with a mushroom sauce that was divine. These huge, tasty chops easily deserve 8.5/10 Jeffs. And there's leftovers!

3) I'm only mentioning the cous-cous because it's a side that isn't potatoes or broccoli. And I'll be damned if I don't take advantage and say, as the old adage goes, it's the food so nice they named it twice. You pour water in a pot and boil... pretty easy stuff. I put that mushroom joint on this too, which resulted in an admirable 8/10 Jeffs.

After dinner we went through my mom's liquor cabinet and sampled some Grand Marnier and Disaronno. Good dinner.

8/15/11 - Fall in August

I'm in New Hampshire in this sweet cabin on a lake. My dad won an auction and we'll be here for the next week. Here's the view from the pier:

It's actually really sweet. There's noone else around (except maybe axe murderers) and it's pretty darn peaceful. It's a lot colder up here though. As I write this, it's 66 degrees and 82 back in Baltimore. Apparently, the further you are away from the equator, the colder the temperature. Learn something new every day! It was so cool (temperature) yesterday that we had a fire going the entire day, in the middle of August. My mind tricked itself into thinking it was like October or some shit. So when my dad asked what I wanted for dinner, I thought of something Autumn-ish and said "a big ass ham steak."

1) Here's my first helping. And here's my first photo with my finger in the way! The ham was definitely and upgrade from bologna (Ha!). It was glazed with a mustard/honey sauce. It felt like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Cooked prefectly, without the aid of a grill since it was rainin. 8.5/10 Jeffs.

2) Damn I eat a lot of fuckin broccoli and potatoes don't I. Even I'm getting sick of looking at pictures of them. Surprisingly, these sides were not very good at all. Broccoli was as plain as could be, and there was no brown sugar for the tater. 4/10 Jeffs for both. BOOOOOO! HISSSSS!!