He hath risen

A year and 2 months. That's how long it's been since my last blog post. Can ye believe it? I can! It's just like the last time I said I'd work out every day. Anyone wanna guess the last time I was inside a gym?

[Side note, if you're new to TIWJJ, go back and read. Or don't.]

When I moved to Colorado, things were tight for a while. I was working at a carwash and eating either Kraft Mac n' Cheese or Peanut Butter Hotdog sammiches for every meal. That's a sad picture! Who the fuck wants to read about that? I was used to nitpicking steaks and crabcakes for goodness sakes!

Anywho, that was 2 years ago. I'm no baller by any means, but I eat pretty damn well, I always take pics, and I still write like an asshole... so why the hell not jump back into the blogosphere. So here we go:

This past week was Restaurant Week in Denver, and I have made a tradition of exploring a new restaurant every year with my pal KS. This year, KS gave a handy to the host of Stoic & Genuine, which landed us at the mothafuckin' Chef's Table...at 6:15...on a Friday night... at one of Denver's hottest restaurants. Girl's got talent.

The place is known for their seafood, so I was pretty damn excited. The set up was a little strange in that we were sitting at what is essentially a bar overlooking the kitchen, so the wait staff has to come up from behind to take orders. I kept having to crane my neck to look these dudes in the eye, and now I think I have permanent muscle damage.

For the app we started with some oysters. Now I'm not hating on the east coast, but I recently discovered west coast oysters are the fucking titties. These were no exception. KS loaded hers with a buttload of unnecessary toppings like some sort of peasant, while I took mine straight up. Amazing, despite the lack of a pic. Take ole Jeff's word for it.

But the real story here is the main course. I've been wanting to eat a whole fried fish for a long time, and here it was as one of the menu items. It was destiny.

This monster is a whole Haddock with lemongrass butter and a chile-soy sauce. It was both enormous and delicious. We both sat there poking it with forks, tearing away big chunks of flakey white fish. Eventually, I succumbed to my urges and just started ripping pieces off with my hands. I was suckin' on fins, pulling bones out of my teeth. It was everything I imaged out of a whole fish fry. Check the aftermath below:

Nothing left but a skeleton and a few flakes we couldn't eat. We were stuffed to the gills.... let that one sink in.
I give this mofo 9/10 Jeffs. It was crunchy and tender, the pieces fell right off the bone. If it weren't for me sticking full fish-parts in my mouth like a damn fool, I wouldn't have run into any bone issues at all.

Man, it's good to be back. I gotta get back into the groove before I fully transform back into the pretentious douchebag I know I can be. Practice makes perfect.

Check back every once in a while. Your man is quite the chef these days, so lots of home-cooked shit coming your way. Holla!

It's a Christmas miracle!

I haven't written on this thang in a long time, but I was lucky enough to make it back home for a short Christmas break, so I thought I'd give everyone the gift they really wanted this holiday season: a post by ole' Jeffy-boy! Also, a special someone requested I do an entry for my Christmas Eve meal, and your mans don't like to disappoint.

Now I haven't blogged in a while because 1) I'm lazy and 2) I moved to Denver and am living on a poor person budget. That means I don't always eat like the God-King you all used to know (and love!), and instead have to settle sometimes for delicacies like this:

This pan of goodness is what I refer to as Man-Stew. It is a can of Bush's Baked Beans (the Maple Cured Bacon kind of course), two hot dogs, and about a pound of ground beef. Now personally I think I'm an innovator in the kitchen, but some people (all people) don't consider this to be a delicacy. And what's the point of writing a brag blog if you're not actually making your audience feel jealous and inferior?

Anyway, about my Christmas Eve. At some point in the last six months, my parents got hella fancy. Not only did we have two forks, but our meal was a paced, three-course dining experience, with specific time intervals between dishes. Normally I think I'd complain about the lack of dining-freedom, but I can appreciate the effort Kerry and Anthony went through to class up the joint. Here is course numero uno:

This was a dope little salad that Kerry threw together. It had tomatoes, big chunks of avocado, and lump crab meat. And things must be going pretty well at work because she sprung for the legit Maryland crab meat instead of the Indonesian/Gulf meat. Pretty basic intro course, but I don't get crab out Coloradoway, so this was a pleasant welcome back to the coast. I give this 8.5/10 Jeffs only because the avocado was a little hard for my liking. Picky, picky.

After sitting around for what seemed like a lifetime, the clock struck whatever obscure time they decided dinner would be served, and thus, dinner was served:

It's more or less guaranteed that if it's Christmas Eve, we're having Italian. In a perfect world, we would have my stepdad's homemade Penne with Vodka sauce every year, but this ain't a perfect world (damn that was deep). This dish more than held it's own however. Homemade red sauce with like five different types of mushrooms in it, drizzled over mushroom and pepper stuffed raviolis. The raviolis were soft and the insides had a nice kick. My only complaint is that there wasn't any meat. I realize that mushrooms pass for 'protein' these days, but we ain't vegans! Some chicken would have fit in nicely. Another 8.5/10 Jeffs because I'm greedy.

And finally, around 2:00 am, we were presented with dessert:

Homemade chocolate mousse is also a yearly tradition, but it's always hit or miss in terms of consistency I think. This year, the mousse had the perfect fluffhead and was served in a martini glass, which was not only a continuation of the fancy theme, but made it easier for me to devour it within 30 seconds. I'm sure this was delicious, but by then I had consumed a good amount of wine. So 8.5/10 Jeffs for consistencies sake!

So there ya have it, a new year and a new ThisIsWhatJeffEats post. I was a lot more docile this time around, I guess it was the Christmas spirit. I'm back in Denver now, and I think I may try and update this from time to time now that I'm making some money and can eat like a normal human again.

Lastly, I want to dedicate this post to my man Dav Scherr who is no longer with us. He was a great guy, and had he not been reading books on Mozart or Quantum Mechanics or brain surgery, I'm sure he would have enjoyed my ridiculous blog. RIP big guy.

I am the master of mastering the MASTER CLEANSE

Wassup snitches?! I'M BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK.

I know you guys missed reading about all the good food stuffs I was shoveling down my gullet. And I appreciate all the fan letters that I'm sure you wrote but got lost in the mail. But daddy's back, and he's not goin anywhere (at least for the next ten days).

What's the significance of 10 days you ask? Well, I'm about to embark on (and crush) The Master Cleanse. If my degenerate friend Todd can attempt this thing, so can I! Basically, it's this detox system that will rid my temple (aka my body) of all the toxic shit that comes with eating. And if there's one thing (really the only thing) y'all have learned about me on this here blog, it's that I eat.

Soooo, my DAILY diet for the next 10 days will consists of the following, and only the following:

- 60 ounces of filtered water - Assuming most of you reading this aren't very intelligent, I'll tell ya that this is almost a gallon of water per day. I ain't into soda and all that jazz, so I'm pretty used to drinking a lot of this ish. In fact, most Chinese waiters hate me because I demand so many damn water refills. I can't help that the extra MSG I order makes me so thirsty! Anyway, water is boring and gay.
- 3 juices, organic lemons - These were not as expensive as I expected, which is good because I'll go through 30 of them by the time I'm done. Having fruit involved in the drink is encouraging because I once heard a rumor that fruits are good for you. Also, they make the water less of a bitch drink.
- 1/2 teaspoon of organic cayenne pepper - Wasn't sure if this was necessary, but it apparently improves blood flow. AND I WILL NOT HAVE STYMIED BLOOD FLOW! Also it gives the drink a much needed kick.
- 12 tablespoons of organic, grade B maple syrup - How many of you out there knew there was such a thing as grade B maple syrup? Stop fucking lieing.


ALRIGHTY, that just about does it. Here's a picture of what the final drink looks like (this is 2 days worth):

I imagine somewhere along this experience, I will go insane. So instead of rating each meal like I used to, and because every meal is the same damn thing, I'll be rating my DAYS in Jeffs. As in, how hungry/psychotic I feel that day.

Also, follow me @JeffJeffers for frequently updated thoughts of a delirious person. Good to be back y'all.

Breakfast..... for Dinner?!?!?!?!

First off, fuck the steelers. Notice I didn't capitalize that even though it's a name.
What a fucking game.

But I digress, fuck the steelers.

Ok, I'm done for real this time. To the food! Yesterday was all about America and raping the rapist-led steelers, but tonight's dinner was all about Mexico.

I walked into my house to bacon frying on the stove. This is always a good sign as far as I'm concerned. If someone came in and murdered my family, but left bacon frying on the stove, I'd be ok (at least until the bacon was done).

This was when my mother informed me we were having eggs huevos, or eggs jalapenos, or eggs lawnmower. I forget, but it was something Mexican inspired. Here it be:

This was actually really good. I used to despise runny eggs, but now I love runny eggs! Under the eggs were beans and peppers and a tortilla. To the right is that delicious bacon. The food was good, but it was awkward to eat. I wanted to pick it up like a taco, but the egg was too runny. I had to eat it with a fork instead. The Mexicans sure do know how to make a confusing breakfast! Also, this blog post was riddled with racism. 8/10 Jeffs.

Sorry, I'm Lazy

Ok ok, I realize I've been slacking. But honestly, I'm pretty surprised how many of you out there read this blog. I created the blog to 1) write like an idiot and 2) make you all jealous that I eat like a fucking king.

I wish I could blame my recent lack of posts on me being busy, but I don't do shit. I was just really lazy, and while updating a blog doesn't sound like a whole lot, I am an intellectual. Writing like an asshole is actually difficult for me sometimes. So if we're keeping count, I eat better than you, I'm smarter than you....

No but really, in 100% seriousness, I truly appreciate all of you out there who read this. People message me all the time telling me to update or how much they love it, people I never would have imagined. And that feels pretty cool.

And even though I haven't been updating, I've still been logging some of my better meals. So here's a quick 2 week update, wrapped in one post. Enjoy!

This is eggplant parm my stepdad made. Mother grew these big, gay, purple vegetables in her garden, and my stepdad diced them up, fried them, and covered them with cheese. Sounds fuckin tasty to me. The pasta was seriously miserable though. It was whole wheat, which is an understandably healthy choice when your main course is fried and cheesy, but this brand was disgusting. 8.5/10 Jeffs.

Steak and potatoes. What more can I say? 9/10 Jeffs.

This is my dog, Royce. He licks the air a lot. He is not food.

Swordfish steak with homemade mango salsa and fried green tomatoes. Apparently, the only way we eat vegetables anymore is if they're fried, and I'm ok with that. 8/10 Jeffs.

8/27/11 - Irene can't fuck with my ribs

This morning's Jeff forecast called for home-grilled ribs and corn. Meanwhile, the weather forecast called for the fucking end of the world. Since grilling is generally done outdoors, the success of a grill operation was called into question. There was even brief talk of oven cooking the meat, and stove cooking the corn.

Now I wasn't gonna let some bitch named Irene get in the way, and ordered my cook (dad) to continue with operation grill-my-damn-ribs. Watching him stand in the pouring rain and tend to my dinner brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face.

Here's how they turned out:

A litttttttttle burnt, but still tasty. The rub/sauce combo he used was money. The rub is from some spot in Texas and is pretty spicy, which is a great compliment to the sweetness of the sauce. Plus he mixed in a dash of his own concoction, which included more hot peppers. If I was rating the top half of each riblet, they'd have gotten close to perfect. Unfortunately, the bottom half was just too well done. I don't know how he messed up, I mean how hard could it be to grill ribs in a hurricane? Seems like a bullshit ass excuse to me. Torrential rain and violent wind gusts should have improved the ribs if anything. 8.5/10 Jeffs. That extra .5 is to make sure my dad doesn't hop off the wagon after reading this. Love ya pops!

8/24/11 - Kabaaaaabs

On Tuesday, my DCAL softball team (representing Duda's Tavern in Fells Point) took 2nd place in the league, which is actually pretty darn impressive. We played for over 5 hours, and instead of food, I feasted on the tears of all the teams that we beat (including Ropewalk for all you Fed Hill kids). But seriously, there was no time to eat, so Wednesday I was tryin to get my grub on.

As has become customary recently (perhaps out of fear of a bad review - it's like soviet Russia over here), our dinner selection was left up to me. I love seafood, I love chicken, and I damn sure love steak. Instead of choosing one of those tasty treats, I held a press conference in my kitchen and announced that we would be having all three, on sticks, with vegetables (I just described kabobs for ya'll dummies out there).

1) Representing seafood was skrimp. I don't think I''ve spelt that word correctly one time since this blog began. All the meat was covered with some tangy sauce, and it was all delicious. Most impressive were the filet mignon pieces, because they're fucking filet mignon pieces. Meats get 8.5/10 Jeffs.

2) Vegetables included squash, zucchini, onions, peppers, and eggplant. Grilled onions are amazing. The peppers were purple, and I was both intrigued and confused by this. The eggplant had a weird texture that I did not enjoy, and me not enjoying something means scores come down FOR THE GROUP. The eggplant was like the fat kid on your lax/soccer/football team who drags you down and usually makes you run more laps because he's fat and can't keep up. By the way, I played all of those sports because I'm a stud. 6.5/10 Jeffs.